It’s been a whirlwind few weeks. First back to Minnesota for Matt & Anna’s wedding (check out they’re amazing photos!), then a visit from Mom, then a visit from the honeymooning couple themselves, now hunting for a place to live or figuring out whose couch to sleep on for September, all the while working my usual three-job-circus and attending physical therapy two early mornings a week. Somewhere in there I’ve been trying to get out for bike rides and hikes; nothing huge–no peaks, no twelve hour epics–just a snippet of an hour here or there.
Those golden moments, when I’m immersed in the aspens and sunlight, rock and cloud, when my breath is labored and my thoughts fade away, have been my saving grace. I leave work each day frazzled and frustrated by all the things I need to do, all the questions to answer. It’s not so much the work as it is my mind stewing on everything else that’s up in the air. I’ve been amazed by how much the uncertainty over where I will live wears on me. The gal who lived happily out of her car 2 years ago has indeed slowed down. I want a home-base, a sanctuary to come home to every night. So, when everything is a-whirling and a-grinding away in my brain, I get off work, hop on my bike, and disappear. I breathe in, out. I ride up, down. I walk a bit, I watch the sun drop below the mountains. I come home squared and true.
So yesterday when the PT told me I needed to lay-off for a week to bring down the persistent inflammation in my knee, I felt crushed. I felt like my life-line had been taken away. I know it’s only a few days. I know I’m doing everything I can to get better. But there is this persistent fear that I will never be well. That I will never get back to doing the things I love full-speed. And it was supposed to be a minor surgery, 4 – 6 weeks of recovery. Almost four months later I’m fighting despair.
What to do? Work the transitions. Here’s one more lesson from mountain biking. I can’t come close to executing it on my bike yet, but I’ll try to explain. It’s about using the motion and momentum of the transitions between up and down, over the rollers. On the downs, push your bike into the ground. And then on the ups, pull it up and forward. Like a great pump track rider, you can move forward with nary a pedal stroke. Free speed.
In life, it means rock what you got. No place to live for September? Save a month’s rent and spend it on a trip later. Not able to ride a bike? Get some writing done. Can’t take a backpacking trip? Head to the city for good food and visiting friends. I suppose it’s like looking on the bright side, but really it’s more about using the energy from each experience to propel you into the next one.
I really can’t fathom what I’ll do if the knee problems persist. It will require some kind of major life and attitude shift. So I won’t entertain those thoughts long. Instead, I’ll look at where I am, at what I have now, and try to harness some momentum. Bumpy and off-kilter as they sometimes may be, here’s to the transitions! Let’s see what kind of grace I can muster.
Whew! All the guests are gone and you can see the where and what of your situation from a different perspective now…and taking time off seems to land you right there. I love the way you write about ‘working the transitions’. And here is the funny thing: if you work the transitions with steadfastness to the process, you don’t have to ‘muster the grace’….the grace will come unbidden because of your faithfulness to the moment and your desire to work the transition WELL.
You know I send love and blessings on this journey of yours to full health….and lots of gratefulness for the time you gave and the time we shared when I was out to visit.
Mom
(Just like to surprise you with a little random comment here.
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